Radio Today

CC Fires all Humans earning a paycheck

Tom Casey COO of CC explained that after multiple exhaustive studies they discovered the root cause of Clear Channels cash flow challenges stem from the hiring and retaining of employees. “Bob and I looked at the matter and felt employees or “parasitical maggots” were draining the company of cash which would otherwise be used to artificially exaggerate the stock price and lure more dim-witted investors to the table”. CEO Bob Pittman could barely contain his excitement as one of his hairs fell out of place during Friday’s press conference; “This is good for Clear Channel, good for the industry and good for my insatiable hunger to make more people unemployed and secure the most money for John, myself and Tom”. 
All Clear Channel stations will receive music programming disseminated to their empty stations using an I-Tunes on shuffle from one computer here in San Antonio. Mr. Pittman said that all their only remaining employee Ryan Seacrest (KIIS-FM) will program and voice track pre-scripted entertainment from Los Angeles. “This is a dream come true for me since I’m sick and tired of walking down the hallways feigning interest in employees by saying little things like; how was your weekend, how’s your dying aunt Esterita, great trend etc.” Pittman adds; “the only thing that could have made this change better is if I personally got to kick each employee in their respective private area or cause some kind of injury as they left.  CC Spokeswhore Cindy Olivera followed up the announcement with reassurances that this move would free up Clear Channel to provide more local content and also promised to make available thousands of empty radio facilities around the country for use as new homeless shelters.
 
We compiled a list of all the Clear Channel employees national and local relieved of their duties and published it for your convenience on our website; weowneverything.com